Insecurities
by levios
Summary: Where shall you draw the line of what is more than you can handle? Is love the only thing required in a relationship? What if you love each other to death but still hurt each other, is it still worth it? Merlin's POV. One-shot. Merthur


Hi all!

If you read my other Merthur one-shot (do that if you haven't ;) ) and if you also read my Author's note to that you will know I want to write a Merthur more true to their characters. This isn't it! I think it's hard to know what's "true to their characters" when they're in a completely different time, in a different life-situation, so that's why I wont warn for OC-ness. But maybe (just maybe) I made Merlin a bit angsty, but that's pretty much what this story is. Angst.. and some romance of course!

Please tell me what you think! Constructive criticism is always appreciated! :)

I don't own Merlin or any of the characters

* * *

Have you ever thought about breaking up with someone you love? With someone you still want to see everyday and you still want to love only you. Well, I have. And I seem to do this more and more often. I don't want to think about it, because I don't want to do it. But I'm still scared. Scared that I will _have to_ in the end. That I will have to end it, because I can't stand it anymore.

I used to think our love was a fairy tale. I had finally gotten my prince. My own prince Arthur. I have never felt happier than I did on the day he confessed. On that day, I never would have thought I would have these thoughts now. But I do. And I have good reasons for it too. At least I think so.

I know that whatever happens, I will always love Arthur. And I really can't imagine a life without him. He makes me happy, just by being there. He really does. But he makes me sad too, he _breaks my heart_ , without meaning to. I know he doesn't want to, but that doesn't mean he doesn't.

The first time I realized we would have problems was when I came visit him at home. His father was still at home and he asked who I was.

" _He's my servant. He owes me one for getting me into trouble and now he has to help me with homework. Which is what we're supposed to do know. Come up Merlin."_

I had never felt so humiliated before as when he dragged me up the stairs. His father looked at me skeptically and has done ever since.

" _I'm sorry Merls, but you know I can't tell him. And I never have friends over so he wouldn't have bought that. Let me make it up to you!"_

He did make it up to me, alright. But that didn't stop me from feeling bad about what happened. And it doesn't stop Uther from looking at me like I'm something the cat dragged in every time I see him.

* * *

" _You did what?! Tell me it's not true! You didn't tell her, did you? How could you have done such a thing?! I thought I could trust you Merlin. Now.. I don't know anymore!"_

He was furious. He kept breaking things and screaming at me. I told him I had no choice and that she had promised me not to tell anyone, but it didn't matter. He didn't spoke to me for a week after that.

" _What should I have done? She was going to ask you out Arthur. I can't let you hurt her. She deserves to know the truth. She's my best friend Arthur. I'm sick of lying to her."_

I knew Arthur would be mad when I told Gwen about us but I had no other choice. I have to lie to _everyone_ about us. I haven't even told my mother. It's eating me up from inside. And I will not let Gwen suffer because of Arthur's insecurities.

He calmed down, he always does. He said he was sorry and I forgave him, like always.

" _What do you mean; pretend to be your girlfriend? Why can't you just not have a girlfriend?"_

" _He wants me to bring a date Merlin. And he won't take no for an answer. Either I bring someone or he brings someone."_

 _"So you thought it was a good idea to bring my best friend, who also happen to have feelings for you?"_

" _Guinevere is a kind and understandable girl. She is the perfect choice."_

 _"You will hurt her feelings!"  
_

 _"Or, you're just jealous! Jealous because I don't go with you! Well, fact is Merlin that I won't. Guinevere or any other girl doesn't matter, I can not and will not go with you to a business dinner with my father!"_

I was jealous. I had the guy of my dreams. Still I had to hide in the shadows. But one thing I wouldn't do was letting Arthur trample the feelings of my best friend. That was out of the question.

I told Lance, Arthur's best friend, about the situation. I didn't tell Lance about me and Arthur but I didn't need to. When Lance found out Arthur knew about Gwen's feelings for him but didn't care if he hurt her or not he got furious.

" _Why would you tell Lance?! You know he has a crush on Gwen even though they haven't even talked! How could you rat on me to Lance out of all people! How could I even trust you, Merlin?"_

Arthur ended up going with a girl named Sophia that his father had picked for him and she was apparently pure evil. Still, I didn't feel bad for Arthur. I was only worried about Gwen, but I wouldn't have to be. Only a couple of days after that incident she hooked up with Lance.

* * *

" _You kissed her! How could you just kiss her?"_

" _I had to! The guys just wouldn't shut up. If I hadn't kissed her they would've.. thought stuff. It was just a kiss Merlin, don't be such a girl!"_

I put my head in my hands. The memories hurt. Not so much because of the memories themselves. I know Arthur has had a really hard time accepting himself. And he does progress, kind of.. But I want to be here for him, supporting him. He's only seventeen. Lot's of guys doesn't come out of the closet until later. Much later. It's only normal to want to protect the ones you love when you're scared. Still, the memories hurt because they're so _many_. They are so many and I don't see a way out.

* * *

" _I will not tell her Merlin! I would rather die than tell her. Do you have to keep nagging me about it?! I will not tell Morgana. There is absolutely no reason to tell her."_

" _She's worried about you. She keeps asking me what's wrong with you and when you'll find a girlfriend. She doesn't want you to be lonely."_

" _Then let her worry! See if I care!"_

If we just could've talked about our problem like normal people; face to face in a normal conversation tone. But no, not with Arthur. With Arthur it was always screaming and shouting and throwing stuff. Once he even hit me. Not hard but I felt it, in my heart.

* * *

" _Are you sure there's nothing going on between you and Arthur? I know it's not my place but.. I feel like he's looking at you.. this way."_

 _"No mum. Me and Arthur is just friends. There's nothing wrong with two straight guys being friends, right?"_

I don't know how he made me agree to hiding my own sexuality. I know he's afraid people will start _thinking_ if they find out I'm gay and we spend this much time together. But that really isn't his decision, right? I should be able to tell anyone I want. Right?

* * *

" _Check that girl out, Arthur! I will give you 50 pence if you go talk to her."_

 _"Nah, she's not really my type. Too skinny for my taste."_

" _Really? What about that one? You can't sit here all night, you have to go get some!"_

" _You're right, I will do that. I will go talk to her. But I want that 50 pence."_

Spending your Saturday night out looking at your boyfriend flirting with some girl isn't really my idea of fun. He ditched her once Gawain had left with another girl and wouldn't bother him anymore. That felt good, but it wasn't until after they had danced sensually for half an hour, something he had _never_ done with me.

* * *

" _Merlin? He's just my servant. He helps me with homework and stuff. I need to pass my chemistry class and once that is over I will ditch him. He's always whining about something, not really my type of friend if you know what I mean? Can't even play soccer without hurting himself you know? You should've seen the time he..."_

It didn't matter what Cenred had said, or implied, to make Arthur say that. I left half way through the conversation to rush home. And I cried. I cried all night. It wasn't the first time I had thought about breaking up with Arthur. But this time I went as far as writing him a break up letter. I never posted it though, I didn't intend to. But it felt good to write. It got a bit more real then. It felt like I could break up, and would if he continued to hurt me.

But I won't. I never will. Because no matter what I truly love him. And he loves me. I know he does.

" _Please open the door Merlin! I really want to talk to you!"_

"Merlin, don't do this. You know I love you, I was just scared. I don't want anyone to know just yet."

"I will tell him. I promise. And then we won't have to hide our love anymore."

"I.. I love you Merlin.. I really really do. I've never met a person like you. Ever. You're my everything. Please Merlin, say you love me to. Say it, please."

"Don't.. don't do this Merlin. Tell me we have a future. Tell me I can see you tomorrow. Tell me we can still celebrate our anniversary. Tell me I can give you the present I've already bought you. Tell me you forgive me.."

" _I.. I treat you like shit Merls. I know I do. I don't know what I have done to deserve someone like you. You're like an angel, shut up I know it sounds cheesy! But you are. You are only good to me when I am only bad to you."_

"I don't know Merls.. I really don't know why I am treating you like this.. I don't understand. I love you so much.. Why can't I just show it?"

"Have you ever hated yourself so much you could just die? I have. Every time I have hurt you Merlin, every time. Every single fucking time! I don't know.. I don't know if I can do this.. I don't know if I can go on hurting you like this. I never wanted to hurt you. When we got together.. I never would've thought I would hurt you like this Merls. I.. don't know what to do with myself Merlin."

He is my prince in shining armor. He is my prince Arthur. But he is hopeless at the same time. He hurts me and that hurts him. We hurt each other. Even though we don't want to. Does that mean we should break up? Does that mean we are better off without each other.

Or is it me? Am I too demanding? Do I pressure him too much? If Uther finds out about Arthur being gay he might as well kick him out of his house. And Arthur is only seventeen, he still goes to school. He's just scared. Scared of not being accepted. And he has never _ever_ hurt me consciously.

I put my hand in his. He is beautiful. I love his hair. I love his eyes as well, and his lips, and his crooked teeth, and his well fit body, and his.. everything. I love everything about him. I want to stay with him always.

He loves passing up to me. He loves spoiling me. He is amazing in bed, when we don't have to be frigging quiet because anyone might hear us, he is. Then he's just good, or really good, or maybe amazing minus the quiet part.. Well you get the idea.

He has never missed an anniversary. He has never missed any special occasion. He always gets me stuff and he spends every free second with me. We bicker a lot, but he always has love in his eyes when we do. And when I need him.. he's always there. Always. He would run through hell and back for me. He did once, he ran all the way to my house in the middle of the winter, in a storm, just because he was worried about me when I couldn't return his calls.

"You confuses me. I don't know what to do. Shall I give up and try to move on or feel excited about what we have, that I love. I love being with you. I love waking up knowing you're mine. I love it when you tell me you want me. I know you love me and I love you, so is that it? Maybe there will always be problem, but we can solve them together right? You and me. Together. Forever."

"Or won't we. Will we hurt each other 'til the point where we're both going mad. I don't know anymore Arthur. I wish someone could just tell me what I should do. What is the best solution."

But maybe there's no best solution. Maybe you should just listen to what your heart says. But what if your heart says different things every single second. What shall you do then?

What shall I do? What shall I not do. What shall I expect. What shall I tolerate. What shall I not tolerate. You don't learn these things in school. Maybe you don't learn them at all.

Arthur opens his eyes slowly and I'm not surprised. Of course he's not sleeping. He never is when I try to talk to him when he's sleeping to try to sort my thoughts.

"I'm scared of many things Merls. But loosing you is the worst. Tell me what to do and I'll do it. I can't promise I'll never be an insensitive jerk again because I seem to have it down to my bones but I'll certainly try."

I close my eyes and shakes my head.

"No you prat, I don't want you to change. I want you to fight for me. Like I fight for you. I want this to work. I don't want a fairytale prince, that would be incredible boring, I just want someone who thinks I'm worth fighting for as well."

Arthur sits up in the bed. He look me straight into his eyes.

"I know it doesn't change anything, it doesn't change anything that has happened, but I have actually planned a really wicked anniversary gift for you. I don't know if you'll like it. I just want to show you that you mean everything to me and I would do anything for you, for us two."

He picks up his phone and shows me the post he's about to do on Facebook.

It doesn't change anything. He still did all those things. We have still suffered. And might continue to. Still, maybe nothing really has to change. I love him and he loves me. And the picture of us in his Facebook post is just _delicious_. I look okay but he looks totally _hungry_ for me. And the text just makes it even better: "I fucking love this man and if you got a problem with that, that's just fine because no matter what you think, say or do I about it I will never stop fighting for him because he's the sexiest man alive and I _want him_ more than life itself."

"What made you change your mind?" I smile slightly.

"Nothing really. I hadn't planned to stay in the closet forever. Of course, you walking around looking like the world had collapsed around you might be a contributing factor." He say teasingly and nudge me on my shoulder.

"I have not!"

"Have."

"Prat!"

"Idiot!"

Before I can say anything more I feel his lips on mine and I must say the hungry look from the photo looks even better live. I smile slightly at his dark eyes and raspy breath. I didn't fall in love with him for his looks but I almost could've. Then he starts sucking at _that spot_ on my neck and all coherent thoughts disappear from my head.

If not I might have noticed my phone buzzing in my pocket and I would probably have recognized those annoying sounds as notifications from Arthur's. As it is, I don't notice it. I don't even feel the need to worry anymore. I made a choice when Arthur pressed send on Facebook. If Arthur is ready to give this his all, so am I. I will not walk away from fear of what might happen, I will stay right where I am and look for my happiness. As long as we have more good times than bad, I'm willing to fight for us. And if I had seen the comments to Arthur's post on Facebook when I thought that, I would've know just _how much_ I would have to fight for us in the future.. And I still wouldn't have hesitated one bit.


End file.
